Darth Sidious and the case against a statutory-backed regulator in football | Soccer

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING A BIT DIFFERENT…

“[The Big Bad Wolf] recognizes and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across the woods… but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator ”- the Big Bad Wolf responds to plans to establish an independent regulator into huffing, puffing and / or blowing houses down.

“[Darth Sidious] recognizes and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across a galaxy far, far away… but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator ”- Darth Sidious responds to plans to establish an independent regulator in the Force.

“[Sauron] recognizes and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across Middle Earth… but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator ”- Sauron responds to plans to establish an independent regulator into Hobbit bothering and ring procurement.

“[Your friendly neighbourhood card sharp] recognizes and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across that slightly dodgy alleyway out of sight of the main road… but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator ”- your friendly neighborhood card sharp responds to plans to establish an independent regulator into what exactly he has up his sleeves.

“[The Very Hungry Caterpillar] recognizes and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across the bookshelf… but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator ”- the Very Hungry Caterpillar responds to plans to establish an independent regulator into who keeps leaving holes in all this fruit.

“[Your Christmas tree lights] recognizes and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across the cupboard where you keep your decorations… but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator ”- your Christmas tree lights respond to plans to establish an independent regulator into seemingly impossible tangling.

“[A horde of zombies] recognizes and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across post-apocalyptic earth… but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator ”- a horde of zombies respond to plans to establish an independent regulator into brain-based snacks.

“[Us pandas] recognizes and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across the forest… but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator ”- pandas respond to plans to establish an independent regulator into who gets to eat all the bamboo.

And in other news: “The Premier League recognizes and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across football… but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator” – the Premier League responds to plans to establish an independent regulator in football.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join John Ashdown at 8pm BST for minute-by-minute updates of Crystal Palace 2-2 Leeds.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“It would have been the first time a lot of the lads would have had Quorn log. They were all looking at it like ‘hmm’ and I was like ‘trust me, have a bite and you’ll be having it’ and they all polished it off their plates ”- Forest Green goalkeeper Luke McGee reckons his newly-promoted side are savoring meat-free roasts, though The Fiver would like to see evidence of those plates before we tell Granny Fiver to get a veggie log in the oven this Sunday.

Get the logs in! Photograph: Nizaam Jones / JMP / Shutterstock

RECOMMENDED BOOKING

A New Formation: how Black British footballers shaped the modern game. Tickets are now available for the live event, featuring Jonathan Liew, Andrew Cole and Hope Powell.

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

Get your ears around the latest Football Weekly. And while we’re at it, Max, Barry and the pod squad are going back out on tour. Tickets to live shows in June and July are available here, so get buying.

MOVING THE GOALPOSTS

The Fiver has a new sister email, folks! You don’t need to be told that it’s smarter and wittier than us – so sign up. The latest edition has been sent whistling into inboxes but you can get a taste here.

FIVER LETTERS

“May I be one of the 1,057 to say ‘Xhaka can'” – Alice Johnson (and, disappointingly, no others).

“Given Aston Villa managed 11 attempts at goal in their 0-0 draw with Leicester, should we now be referring to their manager as Stevie xG?” – Chris Brock.

“The glass-half-full attitude of Frank Lampard following a sticky relegation flavored rinsing by Liverpool should be applauded. With just 17% possession and a solitary attempt on target, Lamps waxed lyrical about how his side ‘showed great organization away from home’. The blue half of Merseyside welcome Lampard’s old mates, Chelsea, to Goodison next, when we can no doubt look forward to efficacious soundbites as ‘at least it’s not raining’ and ‘it really was a sterling rendition of Z Cars’ ”- Johnny Connelly .

“Like in the Chess World Cup, 18 teams should fight it out with the top two getting to play City and Liverpool in a semi-final. The possession stats of City and Liverpool are demoralizing ”- Krishna Moorthy.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o ‘the day is… Alice Johnson.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Fans of Oldham, who on Sunday became the first former Premier League club to be relegated from the Football League, are demanding the departure of owner Abdallah Lemsagam. “If you buy a car and trash it, you don’t get the value for what you paid for it when selling,” say the supporters ’foundation, who want to take over.

He may have overlooked him for most of Liverpool’s first XIs this season but Jürgen Klopp reckons Divock Origi, Everton’s destroyer, is up there with the best. “He is a legend on and off the pitch,” said Jürg. “He is a world-class striker, our best finisher, he always was. Everybody loves Div and rightly so. ”

Despite four goals against Watford, Gabriel Jesus may still march himself through the Manchester City door marked Do One.

Barcelona’s Xavi-lution has well and truly stalled with a third home defeat in a row, this time to plucky Rayo. “In Barcelona’s history it’s about coming first, but we have to understand and motivate ourselves to finish second,” he wailed. Real Madrid need a point for the La Liga title.

Gavi sums up the mood at Barça in one facial expression.
Gavi sums up the mood at Barça in one facial expression. Photograph: Urbanandsport / NurPhoto / Shutterstock

Antonio Rüdiger is leaving Chelsea and Tommy T blames the sanctions placed on the club for that. “We can’t adjust, we can’t continue, and so it is what it is,” said Tommy.

Burnley are out of the bottom three and can stay there, says interim boss Michael Jackson. “The character of the group and the fans is key, that togetherness,” roared Jacko.

And all is not well at PSG. Some fans even left Saturday’s game with Lens early, though a draw meant the Ligue Urrrrrrrn title was secured. “They’re going to get tired of whistling, because I have another three years left on my contract,” blazed back Neymar, rather unhelpfully.

STILL WANT MORE?

And then there were two. Nicky Bandini is up to speed on another breathless weekend in Serie A, where Napoli’s now familiar implosion has left Milan and Inter to battle it out for the title.

Bibiana Steinhaus-Webb blazed the trail for female officials in Germany and now hopes to improve the decision-making of her whistle-blowing English colleagues, she tells Suzanne Wrack.

The European Super League has arrived by stealth, reveals floating-football-brain-in-a-jar, Jonathan Wilson.

Bayern made it 10 titles in a row but the celebrations, reports Andy Brassell, due to Robert Lewandowski’s likely exit and the pain of defeat to Villarreal, were muted.

Ten in a row and all they gave me was this lousy beer.
Ten in a row and all they gave me was this lousy beer. Photograph: Matthias Hangst / Getty Images

Everton’s plan to stop Liverpool involved grappling and timewasting, bawling and brawling, diving and pratfalling but it still wasn’t enough, writes Jonathan Liew.

The marathon wait for a VAR check at Arsenal could have been tolerable if we could have listened in to the discussion, argues Barry Glendenning.

And get your weekly hit of Premier League and WSL talking points zapped straight into your soul right here. And here.

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